A sort of life

Foreign Service test changes

WASHINGTON — There is agony in my defeat. It’s a stomach thing. It builds to my throat. Spills into my heart. It’s Effervesce — a swooning turned trepidation, and these pressures erupt.

The blood rushes from my fingers. My feet are cold.

…a swooning turned trepidation, and these pressures erupt.

I really don’t know what to say. I’ve got much on my mind, but the words just don’t fall. They fail me. I’ve got frustrations. A broken heart. I don’t know why.

But it’s there and it’s bleeding and it’s tearing me up. I’m losing sleep. Can’t concentrate. Can’t focus.

I’ve tried to turn my back. To walk away. You know? Like what I normally do in this situation. It hasn’t worked.

And still it bleeds. I still bleed.

“Foreign Service test changes” is from Volume One: Frank’s Wild Years (1983–2009). Written between 2003 and 2009, Volume One was this author’s attempt to find meaning from life as a young twenty-something. While this endeavor would ultimately fail, what remains is a comical tale of loneliness and debauchery.

Showery Wednesday afternoon in the Wildflower State

Showery Wednesday afternoon in the Wildflower State

Andrzej Jalowiecki grips an umbrella during a rainy winter day in Perth, West Australia on June 11, 2003.