A sort of life

So buy this fool some spirits and libations

RICHMOND, Va. — Lately I’m flooded by conflicting emotions, self-doubt, and a general lack of ambition. No, I’m wrong on that last point. It’s not ambition I lack. I lack the desire to prosecute my ambitions. All this isn’t really new. What’s new is that I’m in a mood to talk about it.

I’m ready. But I’m not convinced this is the venue to do it. I’m open to suggestions.

I’m comfortable with the fact that I have two faces. This Web site is the very public persona of mine. I try to be an open book here. But those that know me in the real world would find that this persona strongly contrasts with what they think I am. In the real world I am reclusive. I live in solitude. I hold things close to the bone.

I have found that contradiction is the rule of things. The more I withdraw from the physical world, the more I desire to write in this virtual forum. The more I participate in the physical world, the less I find the need to be here with you.

And so this somewhat explains why I haven’t been around here much in the last year or so. We’ve talked before, ruminated on the cycles and the circles in life. The last year or so I was in a bit of an upswing. The year of the rat wasn’t what I’d call a successful year. Not even close. Its chief hallmark was that I spent a large portion of my income on festivities of the night. I was by no means shed of the anti-social nature that has permeated so much of the last decade of my life. But I was out more than usual. And so I was not compelled to write much.

The year before, the year of the boar, the zodiac of my birth, we’ll that year was a doozy. It was alcohol fueled and not memorable in the way one remembers positive things. A first kiss. Graduation. Things of that nature. What I do remember was being overwhelmed by mood swings. Heartache, jealousy, and overwhelming feeling of being lost. That year I wrote like a madman. Nearly everyday for a time.

Now that we’re in the year of the ox, I feel that we’re about to make a return to the time of the boar. The ambiance of the boar anyway. There wont be as much alcohol, and the ever present heartache and jealousy of that time is a non-issue now. But I think I’ve always been lost. That is to say that I am still lost. And I’m feeling it more now than I have in quite a while.

Which is good for you. It means I’ll be around here more often. Maybe.

“So buy this fool some spirits and libations” is from Volume One: Frank’s Wild Years (1983–2009). Written between 2003 and 2009, Volume One was this author’s attempt to find meaning from life as a young twenty-something. While this endeavor would ultimately fail, what remains is a comical tale of loneliness and debauchery.

Dick Starbuck

Dick Starbuck "Porno Detective"

Justin Young smokes a Davidoff cigarette in the basement of his home in Orleans, Mass. on July 13, 2006.

I'm comfortable with the fact that I have two faces.