A sort of life

Why chicks don’t like me

PERTH, Australia — Yesterday, in between coffee and going to a movie theater with the parents, I went to an athletic store to buy shoes. I purchased some white and blue Nike Air running shoes. One pair. That choice fulfills the first half of my New Year’s resolution to be more fit by means of running — but, another story, another time.

What a great thing buying shoes is. I was thinking about this as I looked down at the helper girl on her knees and struggling to lace up the right foot. She was truly breaking under the pressure of having three people watch her. When she got done, she stood up. So, I looked deep into her beautiful blue eyes and said: “I’m going to need you to lace up the left one too.”

And what a difference that made. I bought them on sale for AU$100 ($65.28 at press time). Didn’t get her number though.

The thing that makes new shoes great is the shine. Every time you look at your feet, for the next week and half, you’re greeted with glimmering sneakers. What a great feeling. Renewal. Replenish. Restore.

As I was leaving the store I pointed to a hooded FUBU sweatshirt and asked the helper girl what it stood for. The dialog went a little like this:

Me: “What does that mean?”

Her: “F-U-B-U?”

Me: “Yeah, that one right there. In grey.”

Her: “Uhh– Why do you want to know?”

Me: “I see all the kids wearing it these days. Just curious.”

Her: “Fabio: Useful; Blokes: Useless”

Me: “You don’t know, do you?”

Her: “No.”

In case you didn’t know, FUBU is short for “Stupid White People.”

“Why chicks don’t like me” is from Volume One: Frank’s Wild Years (1983–2009). Written between 2003 and 2009, Volume One was this author’s attempt to find meaning from life as a young twenty-something. While this endeavor would ultimately fail, what remains is a comical tale of loneliness and debauchery.

The examined life is no picnic

The examined life is no picnic

Jenny De Soto waits for the gates to open for the Nationals Season Ticket Holder Picnic at the Park at RFK Stadium in Washington on June 11, 2006.

I looked down at the helper girl on her knees and struggling to lace up the right foot.